my soul is living in two different dimensions divided like a mountain stretch vertically placed

i can’t decide what’s worse
not saying goodbye to Uncle Martin
or seeing my mother’s eyes saddened
for days endured

i can’t imagine what it felt like
losing a little brother
so young its not fair
cant imagine losing mine
death is difficult to talk about
always hovering like
an option an affiliation
since birth
through adolesence adulthood
in the deep wells
wishing you crawl out

keep away from the reaper
when it’s dark and you can’t sleep
pondering through old memories coupled with anxiety finally realizing every move you should’ve made but didn’t and now it’s too late so you rewind and replay the same memory helping you fall sleep
keep away from it

rainy days may have encapsulated
a vegetated body lied in bed astray
silence became the enemy yes
but music remained my friend
became everything to me
because i remembered
death is weight
and weight needs to be balanced
death cant be alive
if the force is greater than before
battle now battle forever
crawl now brown body

no interest
no activity
low appetite
to loud noises
depression episodes
suck the life out of your soul

paranoid from the noise
i stumble
on every thought i
soak my clothes in fuel
and then
Flowers carry themselves
my nose recalls your scent
i remember i felt infinite
like the world is anew
i remember it
seems easier to numb inner turmoil
when the voices don’t quit
hence i smoke through this shit
to be less of a dick
even though life’s rough
i ain’t giving up
the only way out is through the pain

odds may be against me
but I’ll be lying if I said gambling isn’t in me
i remember a harsh tenacity I carried with me
like a chip on my shoulder
with an extra whip of anxiety
i was only ten when I began to feel abnormally afraid of the power I felt when someone angered me
i was 24 when I began learning more of the multiple personalities I endured
as a child, you just want to be loved
as you grow old, you realize there’s nothing more than the lessons you needed to explore

memories of the ones you love lie above in a heaven too sweet to meet just yet
that’s why it’s important to never forget to live a life away

You never let go of your original self
your heart will stay
death, keep away


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